For immediate release:
In a bold move, Apple has announced the business strategy for “OS Naught,” the next version of its popular operating system for Mac, iPhone, and iPod. In a press release delivered to industry insiders by conference call last evening, Apple CEO Timothy Cook explained that the OS, to be not released in Q3 2014, will require users to pay Apple as if a major update to the OS had been provided, but will actually contain no changes at all.
Apple has reduced installation time to less than seconds, reconciling the most major complaint about OS upgrades. “We’ve effectively ended the painful time users spend installing software,” said Cook. When one jerkface journalist pointed out that this was because there was, in fact, no new software installed at all, Cook replied, “Exactly! In one fell swoop, we’ve also eliminated the learning curve! Users will remain happy and productive with all the expertise they have built up to date humming along, intact.” He quickly added, “They’ll still have to pay, though.”
Loyal fans will be pleased to hear that there will be the large marketing push they’ve come to expect and love, including a new OS Naught logo, swag, redesigned stores, brilliant advertising campaigns, and of course a stunningly orchestrated conference featuring a thorough and entertaining explanation of all the things they could have changed—even with some hint of how they were thinking of changing it—but actually didn’t.
Stock analysts wondering where the moneys will go are assured that it will be distributed to Apple’s legions of product managers, designers, developers, marketers, and executives in the form of regular salaries. “Ultimately this keeps them off the streets and away from fundamentally redesigning more necessary things like public infrastructure, healthcare, or our system of representative democracy,” said portfolio manager and self-identified Apple fangirl Lula Hopkins.
While some are calling it “productivity blackmail,” analysts cited studies showing that given the time it takes to download, install, troubleshoot, and learn genuinely new operating system metaphors, even with the OS Naught fees, companies will ultimately be saving money.
In a somewhat predictable response, Microsoft and Google immediately announced their Windows Defenestrated and Android Zero release schedules, respectively.